Becoming a ventriloquist is no easy task. It takes plenty of nerves to convince yourself to talk to a dummy in front of everyone. And then practicing to speak with your mouth closed.
For anyone saying ventriloquists just put on sock puppets on their hands and make funny voices have probably never tried to say ‘The Bad Boys Buy a Basket’ without moving their lips, with their hands far up a dummy‘s bottom. Yeah, so easy.
So here are 23 classic Jeff Dunham ventriloquist jokes and dialogues that you can practice to refine your technique. Just make sure no one notices your mouth moving…
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1. Every ventriloquist knows dummies have no manners.
Dummy: You’re ugly.
You: That’s not how you talk to people. Apologize.
Dummy: Alright. I’m sorry you’re ugly.
2. And they think their owners could not be more dumb.
You: You make me look like I am stupid.
Dummy: Yeah, like you need any help with that.
3. I mean, you are talking to a puppet after all.
Dummy: Have you been drinking tonight?
You: No.
Dummy: Then why the hell are you talking to a puppet?
4. But they wouldn’t be anywhere without you.
You: You should speak for yourself.
Dummy: I wish I could.
5. They can be pretty smart at times.
You: How do you define a bachelor?
Dummy: Someone who’d rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck.
6. And other times, they like to state the obvious.
Dummy: That girl is pretty.
You: Don’t you see, she came with a guy.
Dummy: Why don’t you ask him out on a double date?
You: Ask him out? I don’t swing that way.
Dummy: Well you’re the one with a hand up my butt.
7. Their sense of humor is… interesting.
Dummy: I just ate a clownfish.
You: What’s wrong with that?
Dummy: It tasted funny.
8. And they don’t miss a single chance of putting you down.
You: When I was in school, I used to ace my exams.
Dummy: Well now look what you do for a living. You play with dolls.
9. For some, grammar can be a bit challenging.
Dummy: What for are those?
You: No, it’s what are those for.
Dummy: I don’t know.
10. They may take things literally.
You: I’ll explain it to you. Look.
Dummy: There’s nothing there.
11. You just can’t out-sass them.
You: One more word from you and I will put you away.
Dummy: Talk to the hand cause the face ain’t listening.
12. Maybe your dummy doesn’t think much highly of you.
You: I don’t need you, you know. I can be funny without a puppet.
Dummy: You aren’t funny with a puppet.
13. Yeah, it definitely doesn’t.
You: Can you please not talk while I am talking?
Dummy: Don’t worry, you aren’t that good.
14. Then again, he gets it from you.
You: Why don’t you apologize to her?
Dummy: No.
You: Well then I’ll do it for you. Dummy says he is very sorry.
Dummy: Stop putting words in my mouth!
15. Your dummy should know some good one-liners.
You: What do you think the creatures on Noah’s Ark talked about most often?
Dummy: ‘Are we there yet?’
16. And be able to throw some puns.
Dummy: I slept under a car last night.
You: Why did you sleep under a car?
Dummy: So I could wake up oily in the morning.
17. They act too smart for their existence.
Dummy: They say that fish is brain food.
You: Yeah, I eat it all the time.
Dummy: They say wrong then.
18. Sometimes, a play on words can steal the show.
You: What is a hot dog?
Dummy: A hot dog is the noblest of all dogs, because it feeds the hand that bites it.
19. Too many puns is never a problem.
You: Does rain ever get up again?
Dummy: Oh yes, in due time it does.
20. Your puppet can be as funny as it is smart.
You: So, you say you are good at English grammar?
Dummy: Yes I am.
You: Why don’t you give me an example of a collective noun?
Dummy: A garbage can.
21. You should always have some funny one liners at hand.
You: What do you get when you cross and elephant with a fish?
Dummy: Swimming Trunks!
22. Math isn’t really their strong suit.
You: How much is two and two?
Dummy: Sixteen.
You: That’s too much.
Dummy: Three.
You: That’s not enough.
Dummy: You’re very difficult to please.
23. But they do have their facts straight.
You: Everyone used to think the Earth was flat.
Dummy: I always thought it was crooked.
You: Do you know what the actual shape of the world is?
Dummy: Oh, it’s a mess.
If you want to write your own ventriloquist jokes, learn how to write funny material like this, then we recommend the professional ventriloquist script writing course below: